Thursday, April 22, 2010

That Ass Won't Quit!

I'm rewriting "The Little Engine That Could" and setting it in South America in the 1800s. Working title: "That Ass Won't Quit" ...was the tweet that started it all. Then there was a long, extremely slow weekend shift that gave me the time to pound out a first draft. And a borrowed iPad to sketch a sample for the art treatment. Now I'm in negotiations with Random House for inclusion in their Golden Book series. Eat it, struggling authors.

The Lovely Lady and The Ass That Wouldn't Quit

It was a hot summer day,
and the Lovely Lady was far from home.
"I need to get back to my home,
on the far side of the mountains!"

But she couldn't walk that far,
She needed to get some ass
To carry her over the mountains

---

"Dear Vendor, I'm far from home,
and need to get over the mountain.
Could your donkey carry me there?"

"Carry you? Never! This donkey is much too important.
This donkey carries my cottage cheese to the market!
This fine donkey is much too good for the likes of you"

And the Vendor sent the Lady on her way.
The Lovely Lady did not have a cottage cheese ass.



---

"Dear Porter, I'm far from home,
and need to get over the mountain.
Could your donkey carry me there?"

"You? This donkey only carries the finest passengers!
It's extra fur is soft and plush, and we even have snacks!
This is a luxury donkey, not for the likes of you!"

And the Porter sent the Lady on her way.
The Lovely Lady did not have a saggy ass.

---

"Dear Astronomer, I'm far from home,
and need to get over the mountain.
Could your donkey carry me there?"

"Waste this donkey on carrying you?
Look at the perfect design, look!
His back is perfectly level,
to carry our expensive equipment,
not poor girls that are far from home!"

And the Astronomer sent the Lady on her way.
The Lovely Lady did not have a flat ass.

---

The Lovely Lady continued on,
until finally she met a 10 year old boy.

"Dear Boy, I'm far from home,
and need to get over the mountain.
Could your donkey carry me there?"

"This donkey's too stubborn,
you can't even get him to turn around,
and we've already passed the road to the mountains!
You can have him if you want"

The Boy gave the Lady his donkey,
and she backed that ass up.

The Lovely Lady had the ass of a 10 year old boy.

---

"That ass won't quit!", yelled the Boy.

Finally, The Lovely Lady had a way home,
She headed towards the mountains!

Seeing the Lovely Lady approaching,
the Astronomer was jealous,
"I'd love to ride that ass."

---

The Lovely Lady continued, passing the Astronomer.
"That ass won't quit!", he yelled.

But the Porter had spilled some of his snacks,
obstructing the path!

The Lovely Lady wasn't concerned,
"My ass can crack walnuts!"

Looking up at the Lady as she passed,
the Porter was jealous,
"I'd love to get all up on that ass."

---

The Lovely Lady continued, passing the Porter.
"That ass won't quit!", he yelled.

But the Vendor had tripped,
and his coin was flying right at the Lovely Lady's donkey!

The Lovely Lady wasn't concerned,
"You can bounce a quarter off my ass!"

Chasing his coin, the Vendor,
who had a bad habit of using anachronistic slang,
admired the Lady's donkey,
"Daaaayum, that's a tight ass!"

---

The Lovely Lady continued, passing the Vendor.
"That ass won't quit!", he yelled.

She was finally over the mountains!
She was so happy, she started dancing in her seat,
Swaying her ass back and forth,
Bouncing it up and down.

The Villager saw the Lovely Lady returning home,
"Look at her shake that ass!"

---

And then, for no reason evident in this story,
The Lovely Lady dropped it like it was hot.